Why Are You Singing?

The little few prelude notes began, and my body was already far into the stage fright realm.  My hands had already developed a slight tremor two speakers earlier, and although I had consumed a fair amount of water, my mouth had run dry and my throat felt as though it was closing off.  My vocals chords were not going to cooperate with me.  Before I knew it, Sister Sophie and I had made it through the first verse and I was to take a brief solo next!  What happened?  I choked my way through it... pausing here, swallowing there, forcing the most timid and awkward tones my diaphragm could muster.  Once I made it through my few lines Sister Sophie took over, and boy, was I grateful!  After hearing her sing with such vigor and passion, I felt hope that I could finish the last verse with strength.  And truthfully... I think the third verse was the best!  

But why was I singing?  I was so consumed with horrific thoughts pertaining to my singing anxiety that I lost the message of the song for possibly 90% of the time!  How sad.  All of that stress and discomfort to realize that I wasn't even singing with purpose.  The words were coming out of my mouth, yet they were empty as far as my soul was concerned.  Several smiling faces looked up at us-- perhaps they could smile because Sister Sophie carried the right spirit... Or maybe they smiled because they could put the Spirit into the words that my being couldn't muster.

Perhaps I am exaggerating... Maybe it wasn't as bad as I'm remembering.  However, how often do we go through experiences with that same amount of anxiety and disconnect just to realize later that we suffered that way almost for nothing-- we didn't have a purpose behind any of it?  Sure, we could say that my anxiety blinded me from being able to create meaning in the song.  But what if it was possible to sing with purpose despite the opposition we face?  We will continue to stumble and fall, to make mistakes and struggle to learn... but these actions can carry more than just that-- the fallen and flawed state of being.  What are we even moving toward?  

I sang in church today, and I forgot the purpose of it.  Sometimes I awkward stumble through life, and I forget the purpose of it all.  But when I can remember the purpose... when I can remember the Why behind it all... it all becomes worth it.  It's no longer in vain.  Sometimes it's hard to find the purpose, but it's there.  And if we're not sure which purpose or cause to offer, perhaps we could take the phrase to heart that my mother engrained in my mind as a young child:  "Good, better, best.  Never let it rest.    Until your good is better, and your better is best."  (Tim Duncan)  With that in mind, maybe I didn't really butcher the song today!  Maybe I actually did well.  But I can definitely walk away from that experience knowing that I can do better at keeping the purpose.  

If you are choking your way through a song, or stumbling your way through life, can you remember the purpose of it all?  Why are you singing?  What are you moving toward?  Let's fill our thoughts, words, actions (and songs) with purpose even when it seems we're falling.  God is a loving Heavenly Father, and he is there to help us when we stumble, or even when we choke through the song.  Let's make the effort to reach out to Him and find the purpose to keep moving forward. 

Sister Sophia is a member of the 4th Branch in Chennai (the branch I've been attending all summer.)  Her loving husband, Prince, is the one who invited us to do a special musical number.  We sang 3 verses of "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" by Sally DeFord.  I may not be cut out to be a real soloist, but I am doing my best to follow the heavenly counsel I've received to share my talents and love of music.  Thank you to those of you who have ever endured my sometimes awkward solo's or duets (I'm sure my partners in duets have always done awesome though!)  I'm trying!  And one day I may get through one without choking :)